I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
