drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Lo siento on account of my penis...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
