I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
