Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
