Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
