my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
