I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
