I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
a search helicopter?!
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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