Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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