Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize