yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
