I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
