I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
