Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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