rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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