i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
