you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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