The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
