you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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