OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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