Don't make out with my wife yet
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
