we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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