i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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