I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize