I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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