my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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