You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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