you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
