I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
