You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
