i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize