So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
