i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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