3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
