Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
