Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
