Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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