I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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