I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
