just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Randomize
