the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
