made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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