I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We need to rekindle our bromance
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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