if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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