im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
