Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
