You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
