I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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