just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
