The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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