I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
