I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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