Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
