I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
