you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
