seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize