I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
