I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
