Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
