I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
