She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
